Not every post will pick up right from the last like a new chapter, but this true story is worth telling in two parts. The reason I made it this way is because I truly couldn’t figure out where to start with this doozy!
First, I have three requests from my readers: 1] If you know us, please forgive us if we lied to you, 2] If you don’t know us, enjoy the read, 3] Either way, learn something from this post!
I spent a lot of time telling lies to myself about nearly everything I experienced in life. No matter your religion or your marital status, you are human. Humans have pride; we have defense mechanisms set in place for things which we are all too familiar with; we have negative habits that creep in when things aren’t going right. All these things are true for me. When I was single, I use to tell myself: “there’s no one left”, “everyone who is left is weird obviously from being single so long”, “everyone that’s left has kids and has been married because I’m older now”, I’m too independent, that’s why I can’t find someone”, “I’m too obnoxious, I talk too much it turns men off”, “I don’t have a good enough career yet”, “I think maybe I’m weird and guys just want the sweet little quiet girl”, “I’m going to have to change parts of myself to fit with someone”, “maybe true love isn’t what I thought”, “my expectations are set too high, maybe.”
Was that a long list? That’s was just what I could come up with in 45 seconds.
TRUTHS: There’s plenty of people left; if everyone who’s left is weird, you’ll fit right in because you’re weird too; YOU don’t have kids, so not everyone that’s still single does either; the right man will love that you’re independent as long as you can make room for him in your life; the right man will enjoy listening to you; your career doesn’t matter- your drive towards your passion does; being weird is fun!; NEVER CHANGE the positive things about yourself; true love is more than you imagined it was; You’re expectations are your blueprint for finding the one, only change them if they’re unreasonable.
Oh the struggly single times! Take heart, my loves…true love is within your reach if you are truly ready for it.
The truth is, the person you are meant to be with has probably been everywhere you’ve been. You’ve probably crossed paths with him or her several times and aren’t even aware. You’ve shared some quality, some interest, a life experience similar to this person. You are walking similar paths to the person you’ll end up with. This can go against you! For example: If your current path is full of less than healthy choices, you’ll meet Mr. disappointment. If your current path is great choices, extremely low standards or not facing the truth about what you truly need in someone, you’ll meet Mr. Let you down. If you’ll settle for just about anyone as long as he has money, you’ll meet Mr. not what you want at all.
Plenty of people set limits on where it’s appropriate to meet your future someone. Some are true. I definitely don’t think you should meet your future person in jail, for example. What are you doing there anyway? You’re supposed to be making good choices. BUT, a lot of people say you can’t meet your person in a bar because quality people don’t go to bars. Okay let me just say, it’s not really about where you meet someone as much as it’s about your emotional health when you meet them. Is it a common thing for drunk singles to visit bars? Yes=emotionally unavailable/ unstable. Is it also common for a group of women or men to go have a drink after a long day at the office or after closing a big deal? Yes=possibly emotionally available and stable.
Hint: Use your brain. QUALITY QUALITY QUALITY. Please let me know if I need to elaborate on quality, I need 8 more topics for my class. Seriously help me, I need more topics. Great! Now click your heels, Dorothy, we’re going way back.
To online dating! In my last blog, I told you the stereotype that Tinder is a “hookup site” was pretty true in my experience. So I took a break from it. I didn’t delete the app, I just stopped opening it because it seemed like men on the app only wanted to hook up and it was starting to annoy me that someone created this app for the purpose of just seeing how witty your first message to someone could be. Make it stop, Toto! While we’re talking about it, how many people do you know that think this? How many people are still pretty odd or negative about online dating? I know more than a few. It doesn’t help that “Tinder Nightmares” is one of the most popular Instagram pages either.
So about a week or so later I opened the app. Now, I never “hid my card” which means I never took my profile off the mainstream, so people could still see me. As a result, I opened the app to a few people in my area that had swiped-right-for-like on me. So naturally, I started swiping. Now remember, I had a deep preconception that every man that swiped on me only wanted to hook up. The site was a joke to me at this point but when you’re single, you get pretty bored. Can I get an amen!
So… Tinder is a hookup site where people go just to find a quick fling…but here I am. Sitting on Tinder. Scrolling for men…telling myself there are no good men there….
Remember what I said about your partner being on your path? I may have felt really negative about Tinder and the men that use it, but there I was. You can hate people who do cross fit all day, but if you go to that gym…..You can tell yourself quality, date-worthy people don’t go to bars but here you are- a quality individual, not drunk, just hanging with your friends at the bar. Cheers to letting go of contradicting thoughts! I hope you can do it faster than I did.
While scrolling Tinder that fateful fall of 2015, I came across a photo. No bio in his profile. Just a photo:
Since my blog is new, I assume a lot of you who are reading this know me personally. Do you recognize him? That’s my fiance, Tad. Although I didn’t know it back then.
And the big surprise is! I met my future husband on Tinder. TINDER. TINNNDERRRRRRRR. Let’s share a moment of weirdness and apologies if we lied to you.
Currently, Tad and I have no clue who knows the truth and who doesn’t. We developed this lie, or several lies, of how we met because of the misconceptions about Tinder. The lie I can remember: we met at a store we both liked. We came up with that one together and we told it to…everyone. When we started really liking each other, we had to lie so people would take us seriously. In fact, we made up this lie on date one. Eventually, we started telling the truth. Actually, we were with friends once and I believe someone was talking negatively about online dating. At that point, we were an established couple in love so we told the group the truth. Everyone was either speechless or they quickly began retracting what they had already said about it.
We still get those reactions! It usually goes something like: “hey that’s cool, it’s the 21st century. It’s your life I mean it’s hard to meet people haha I get it totally, do what’s right for you I mean you guys are cool I think a lot of people meet that way…” This run on sentence justifying that it’s okay usually lets us know that it’s still uncharted territory for most people, especially in our age group. I almost feel like it’s more socially acceptable when really old people date online; almost as if people expect them to do it for lack of inventory. I hate to break it to you, but there’s a lack of inventory for us all when we truly know what we want in a person! The more we realize what we want in someone, the harder they are to find.
Whoa! Revelation: When you are truly a whole and confident person that knows what you want, you’ll have no choice but to find your person. However hard it might be, you’ll be able to turn down people that aren’t the right person faster, clearing the way for The One. Now go out there and live your life!! But keep reading first.
I’ll be honest, we still feel weird about having met online. Sometimes we will be bored, staring at each other and one of us will say “we met on Tinder.” And we share the weird moment together. All stereotypes aside, Tinder is weird to us because both of us truly feel like we’ve known each other our whole lives. That first date was like meeting up with an old friend. It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t an interview. It was fun, light and my God, was he handsome. His smile made me smile. And hearing the stories about his past made me realize how aligned we were. We were both the same kind of crazy. While I was out drinking myself under the table, so was he. We had our time of fun and both of us appreciated it. In fact, we were connected by the same people, we just didn’t meet that way.
But I was living in my own little limited and contradictory world. I created and clung to the limitations and views I had set prior to meeting him. I began to let the idea that we met on stupid Tinder consume me. Even though he seemed so familiar to me, I managed to treat him as a total stranger because of my limitations. NONE of our friends met this way; the culture surrounding Tinder is a total joke; he is a complete stranger I met online and the most recent Lifetime movie I watched says he’s going to marry me and kill me for my life insurance. LOL
After that first date, he asked me to go antiquing with him. We both love antiques. But I ignored him. There was someone else I knew that wanted to date me. I knew him, I didn’t know Tad. It only made sense.
After about a week or so, I texted him. I missed him. I was drawn to him in the weirdest way but back then, I wished I wasn’t. When I texted him, his response was one of concern. He wondered where I had gone and was I okay, did I need to talk. He was so different. He made me feel so safe and protected from the very start. With that being said…I ignored him again. UGH! I’m telling you this whole Tinder thing was a true struggle for me. Plus I was going back to school and would soon be really stressed out. I didn’t want to hurt him, so I ignored him again. This time, he deleted me on all social media. But it was okay because I completely pushed him out of my mind and my plans. I went on, confidently thinking I could be alone forever.
About two weeks later, I was driving on a gorgeous Sunday Afternoon. I had just been to the health food market. I was eating chocolate, coming up a hill on the way towards my house; windows cracked, perfect fall weather. All of the sudden, I knew. My thoughts went straight to Tad. I needed him. He is mine, what am I doing? Who was with him? It’s suppose to be me.
It was so real, I just can’t explain it. I had this sinking, undeniable feeling that he was the one. His smile, his hands, his laugh, the way he talked to me, the way he protected me when I wouldn’t admit I needed it, how positive he was, how dedicated and funny he was, how I needed something about him I just couldn’t explain- I didn’t even understand- it all hit me at once and I undoubtedly knew that he was the most important person there is. I could not deny it. I texted him. I apologized; I scrambled for the words.
I will never forget getting that long text message back. My heart skipped and I was nervous. I read it. It said how upset he was and how he wasn’t sure if he could trust me. It said that he won’t agree to keep speaking to me unless I meet him TONIGHT. So I did. I approached him with my tail between my legs on the sidewalk outside of the Mexican Restaurant; he was shaking his head at me in disappointment. He bought me dinner as I explained my selfishness and we’ve been together ever since. Later, I found out he cancelled date night plans with another girl to see me. I think he knew too.
Looking back at the lies I told myself, Tad eliminates them all. ALL OF THEM. Do I annoy the crap out of him talking too much sometimes? Yes, of course. But he doesn’t hurt my feelings. Normally, it’s because I’m not letting him get a word in. I am totally and completely myself with him and he loves me back. Do you see what I mean about embracing your truths? When you take in your negatives and turn them into positive truths, you become fully aware of what the right man should do for you. The negatives you feel are your deepest fears and insecurities. Write them down and turn them into truths; embrace your truths! BE your truths.
So now you know! Fate isn’t such a mysterious design after all. The most “unlikely” place on earth led me to my future husband because I had chosen that path and I was ready. I think finding the one is one of the most meaningful moments we experience. There is nothing quite like meeting the person you’ve been searching for your whole life. It truly is like meeting someone you’ve always known. The best way I can describe how I feel about Tad is that he feels like home.
But we met on Tinder.
Oh stop it! You can find love anywhere your healthy path leads you! Be yourself, go confidently on your chosen path and make healthy decisions that support your overall goal. Trust me, when you meet the one, what they say is true: You’ll know.