Raise your hand if you think dating sucks. Not the cute dates you and your husband go on- I mean dating people you don’t really know in your quest for “the one.” Let’s all agree that it’s really exhausting to be asked several hundred questions about yourself where you have to pretend to love your life even though after the date is over you’re going back to scrolling Insta just to see all the newly engaged couples while you cry and drink wine in your bed….alone.
So, maybe I went overboard, but we’ve all been there at one point in our lives, right? Weather you’re married, dating or single, at some point you’ve experienced the awkward stage of searching for “the one”. Or perhaps you met your husband or wife early in life and never went through this but maybe you’ve wondered what it would be like if you hadn’t met them. Look no further! Here I am to tell you the truth if your wondering, give you tips if you’re stuck in the abyss and, as a bonus, I’ll share my own interesting experiences with you.
I just turned 30 a few weeks ago so I’m now able to use the phrase “in my twenties” in the past tense which makes me seem smarter. I spent a lot of time in my twenties doing what most twenty-somethings do: pretending I had tons of time before marriage and kids. As a result, I was pretty selfish and reckless. I don’t regret it.
I think every experience I’ve ever been through has led me here so while I would have definitely done some things differently, I don’t sweat my past decisions.
Remember: Every decision you have ever made led you here and this is exactly where you’re supposed to be.
Even if you don’t understand why something is happening to you- at least understand that there is a bigger plan at work. I love how easy it is for me to say that now even though if you’d spoken to me about 3 years ago, I’d probably tell you different. I would have told you there is no plan and only the “bitches” get what they want in relationships and life. Nice people always loose, amiright?
Truth: The “bitches” DO get what they want in life but so can you, betch.
Another thing to consider is that you’re given all kinds of wisdom as you weave in and out of all these terrible decisions you’re making or not making so just hold on and try to learn something so one day you can write a blog or be someone people want to listen to! What do you get when you combine a TON of bad decisions + lessons learned? ADVICE & WISDOM you can pass on. You also develop a wicked sense of humor to hide all the sadness and disappointment, so cheers. I’m also a firm believer that the most interesting people are those that have been through a lot of shit. Do you feel better now?
Let’s move on to my first blog topic: DATING & OTHER TERRIBLE THINGS
Let’s agree that if you’re currently single or once were at a point in your life when you thought you wouldn’t be, you’ve pondered and even somewhat accepted being alone forever. I convinced myself I could be perfectly alone at one point and I was actually completely happy with it.
If you’re like me, there came a point where you gave up trying to date someone you meet through friends. In my own personal life, that point for me was hard. It was like reaching the bottom of the chip bag- there are no more left and you’re not sure how- you’re definitely in denial about it- you feel fat- how could this happen?-… in the distance, a cat meows.
If I’m honest, dating friends of friends and all that was pretty lame. I mean I had a crush on this guy in my group of friends for, like, ever and when we finally started “talking” he never even took me out…..? It was just awkward, I mean I still really liked him but I stayed confused. I would start to let him go because it was going no where but then he would text me all day being sweet and invite me over. So much confusion. But I always had this undying faith that I would meet someone through my friends. That’s how MY generation was meeting people. It would happen for me I just knew it.
Tip: Sometimes, your expectations hold you back. Learn to let go.
Time passed and I wasn’t meeting any ‘friends of friends’. At least no one I also liked. Struggle number 784: Tons of people are interested in you but none that you would actually date; one of the many moments you just stare off into space wondering who is torturing you so?? Jesus? Is that you? why?
What are my options now. Alone forever or ….online dating….yikes.
At this point in my life, I hadn’t accepted the “alone forever” strategy. All my friends were in serious relationships so it started to get hard for me to keep up the single life. I could feel myself annoying the crap out of them every single weekend looking for something to do. Shout out to my best friend Heather (picture below) because I would randomly show up at her & her husband’s house constantly….without being invited. It was at her house that I decided to stop searching in bars and within my group of friends for guys and instead…..search online for complete strangers…
I don’t think anyone looks forward to starting a dating profile online. For me, it was this profound moment. I was 5 drinks into a typical Saturday night on an empty stomach laying on Heather’s couch contemplating life. Pretty sure I was hanging upside down on the couch trying to watch T.V when I thought: Forget it. Let’s just do it lol whatever, I’m cool right? I love myself.
Jesus take the wheel.
..So I built a cute little Tinder profile. Don’t get me wrong, owning a dating profile presents some excitement. It’s a chance to reinvent yourself and tell people what’s great about you. Or it allows you to lie about what’s great about you, whichever makes you feel better.
Dating online summed up real quick: Have you ever seen Jurassic World? Most of the movie is spent with the two main characters searching for two boys in a jungle full of out of control dinosaurs. Same thing.
So one rumor about Tinder is that it’s a “hookup” site. I chose Tinder because it was free but it is my experience that this rumor is pretty close to true.
Disclaimer: I don’t know everything
I’m confirming this rumor based on evidence: I was chatting it up with one guy who’s profile picture was of him in a snazzy business suit. Obviously that means he’s, like, a total gentleman and has an awesome career who comes from a nice family.
Truth: No it doesn’t, lol.
While casually chatting about a possible date, this guy says: “Well I’m in meetings until about 9:30 this evening, would you like to come to my place at 11?” That’s P.M ladies and gentlemen. Never met the guy in my life and he wanted me to come to his place at 11 P.M. I told him no, but I’d accept a date invite to which he replied “I’m not from here, I just have my location turned on so I can ‘browse’, lol.”
Tip : If he doesn’t know you and invites you back to his place, don’t do it. Possible outcomes are:
1. He’s already a jerk so the night isn’t going to resemble any dreams you’ve had about being swept off your feet
2. Terrible, awkward sex
3. You’ll never hear from him again anyway. (refer to #1)
4. You end up as a skin suit, dead
Do I even need to expand on how he said “browse”, like, browsing for women where he doesn’t live? You can conclude where his interests were.
Several weeks of this is enough to ruin your confidence in love all together. And yes, it was several weeks of talking to every type of person you can imagine. The guy that just checks in daily with the boring “hey” and nothing more. The guy that talks constantly to you for a few days and then disappears. Complete weirdos. Those guys that talk to you but never ask you out.
I mean at some point you’re just like WHY ME?
That’s where I was at. Somewhere between ‘fairy tales are real’ and ‘maybe some people just aren’t meant to find someone.’ I actually started talking to one decent guy from Tinder. We had some friends in common and he was funny and had a great career. But then he accidentally called me a different name once and then he spent over 15 minutes trying to convince me that’s who I was. He called me to convince me. He was like “OKAY stop it, this is Jessica!”
Now, in a future blog, I’m going to tell you the love story that changed my life forever. But before that and even before the online dating profile, I was a completely different person than the one typing out this blog. I was an absolute train wreck. I carried a bottle of Jager with me at all times. ALL TIMES. I was struggling to find my purpose; stuck in the mindset that not having a husband was ruining my life.
I’m currently typing this blog for a class: Social Media Marketing. I’m in my last semester at Kennesaw State University. I have a 3.8 GPA and will graduate Magna Cum Laude as long as I don’t screw it up this semester.
Despite all this, years ago (my whole life almost), I was convinced I would marry rich. LOL right. I really thought this. Like, with my whole being I never thought it was my job to be the bread winner or really the winner of any “bread” at all. My job is to have babies and wash clothes. Every date I went on reflected this. Every choice I made in regards to dating reflected it. I wouldn’t date just anyone. He had to have a great career or be headed towards one. He had to have goals and standards for his income. So here I am plucking from the upper echelon of men when I had absolutely nothing in common with them. I had no goals. What, to become a house wife while he supports my expensive shoe habit? Real winner there.
So I went on several awful dates where I was asked where I saw myself in 5 years and you can imagine how dreadful the conversation was when all I had to say was “with a few kids, married.” And he would say, “What about your career, do you have any passions? “Yes”, I would say, “I like horses and cooking.” Not ONE guy liked that answer. Why? Please ask me why!
Because horses are expensive as f*%k.
No but seriously, HE had goals and dreams other than just having a family and wanted to know mine. Hell, I had picked him for that exact reason, in yet I had no personal goals for myself to share with him. I began to notice that I wasn’t exactly prepared to date the type of men I thought I wanted. Even more important, my quest for a guy with money was forcing me into the realization that no man should be responsible for taking care of me right off the bat. How rude is that?
I decided that I had the power to be and do whatever I wanted. Why was I waiting on a man to create this life for me that I wanted? I always had this thought that if I wanted to build my dream kitchen, I would need a husband. If I wanted to own land and build, I would need a husband. I needed the ‘help.’ I’ve told myself plenty of lies, but this was one that held me back for more than 10 years of my life.
Have you ever just been minding your business and all the sudden had this overwhelming thought- like the world stopped turning and you just knew what decision you needed to make? That’s exactly how I decided to go back to school to finish my Bachelor’s degree in Business. I just woke up one day and knew it was what I had to do. Nothing would stop me. This goal gave me a purpose that was embedded in my heart. I couldn’t NOT do this.
And honestly, going back to school gave me the courage to start the Tinder that fateful day at my best friends house. Not only did I feel empowered from my decision, but I had something interesting to put in my profile!
“Pursuing Bachelor’s Degree in Business Marketing from Kennesaw State University.”
Everything that followed that simple line was made more interesting because I had a goal. I had career dreams. I was unstoppable. I wasn’t just witty, I was educated and witty. There’s a difference. Maybe I wasn’t educated yet but I would be. I wouldn’t let anything stop me from reaching this goal. I was already a different person. I was in charge of my future now.
Tip: Decide what you love about yourself & what you love doing and perfect it. Decide that your life is yours no matter what. Rid your mind of the limitations that hold you back. Life is LIMITLESS. Decide that no one is going to do it for you. If you want to get married but you’re single: decide what kind of wife you want to be and become her now. Not the other way around!
This change in my perspective gave me the freedom to swipe right (for like) on Tinder for whatever guy I wanted. I wasn’t looking at his job anymore or anything like that, I was just concerned with him. Despite this “new me, new choices” thing I had goin’ on, the creeps, losers and jerks still somehow ended up in my “matches” section.
Truth: Just because you’re awesome, doesn’t mean you’re going to avoid the not-awesomes.
Just a few weeks after I started the Tinder in the midst of my life-changing decision and immediately following the “Jessica” mistake, I decided to take a break from dating. I was fine. I could be alone. I could build my dream home exactly how I wanted. I could have my two horses. I was going back to school in the spring to finish my Bachelor’s degree and I didn’t want to put that stress onto anyone else anyway. I was done & I was 99.9% at peace with my decision & my life.
Why does it always seem like the moment you finally give up on one thing, something amazing happens? It’s as if we never truly ‘give up’, rather- we adjust our sails. We decide on a different method, a different way of thinking. And in that moment when your true strength shines through; where it seems as though you’ve learned the lessons God was trying to teach you…a new journey begins.
Truth: God’s timing is mysterious…and perfect in every way
What’s the lesson from all this? Dating sucks but your life is yours and it’s a beautiful. The struggles, the lessons, rock bottom nights with friends…all of these events are making you into a better person. See the positive in all things & enjoy the ride♥︎